Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
