Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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