sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
