Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
