Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How does one acquire holy water?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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