Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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