I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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