In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
