I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
