I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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