Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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