pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How does one acquire holy water?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
