I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
