I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
