life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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