Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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