census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
