I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
