The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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