I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
