I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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