Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize