So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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