How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
