I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
