everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
