I got chris browned last night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
