That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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