I think im going to throw up on grandma
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
