people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
