I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
