You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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