mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
