Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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