I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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