Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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