i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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