I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize