Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You ruined the universe
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
