dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
