it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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