Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
