Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
