He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
