why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
