His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
