Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
