I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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