The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
