His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
