Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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