What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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