my phone needs a breathalizer
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
