If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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