Umm I'm too high to move.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize