Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
